


If you're reading this it's too late

by 5021ZAIN



Series: Chuckles and Goldilocks... and Freckles! [3]
Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, Upstead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:42:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27044455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5021ZAIN/pseuds/5021ZAIN
Summary: Hailey doesn't hold back in showing Jay the support he needs as he receives some terrible news.
Relationships: Greg "Mouse" Gerwitz/Jay Halstead, Jay Halstead & Hailey Upton, Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Series: Chuckles and Goldilocks... and Freckles! [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1925497
Comments: 9
Kudos: 31





	If you're reading this it's too late

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: mention of death, mention of suicide, light description of a panic attack.
> 
> It's not detailed, but if you know/think it can be triggering, I suggest you to not read this os.
> 
> disclaimer: I don't know own Jay Halstead, Hailey Upton nor Henry 'Hank' Voight, unfortunately. they're all Dick Wolf's puppies.

**J** ay held his phone in front of him, Sebastian was sitting on his lap as they were face-timing Hailey. The two were at a Greek restaurant — Hailey's favorite — waiting for the food Jay ordered to be ready. Sebastian was playing with some napkins, something his father gave him to distract him.

"Seb, your mum's language is too messy," Jay commented, tickling Sebastian's neck, making him laugh. Hailey rolled her eyes at her fiance's statement.

"Not true," she countered.

Jay and Sebastian were approached by a waitress who gave them their food in two bags and wished them a good evening.

"Thanks, you too," Jay briefly averted his eyes from his phone to look at the woman and then turned right back to it.

However, he sensed that the waitress — Vivian, it was written on the tag-name — was standing there still as if she was waiting for something. He had noticed that she had been looking at him in some type of way, flirty maybe?, but didn't read too much in it. Besides, he honestly couldn't care less.

"Sorry, you need anything?" he asked, trying to not sound rude, but making it clear in his tone that there was no reason for her to be there.

"Uh… no, sorry, bye," the girl quickly shook her head, heavily blushing, and then got away faster than light.

Hailey, who had been watching the whole scene from her screen, chuckled, after making sure the girl was gone. "Well, the charm is still there," she commented, an amused smile on her face.

"Yeah, that was awkward, though. Literally, my child is here," he rolled his eyes. "Anyways, food's here. We're making a stop at the gas station… should be home in 15 minutes max," he told her.

Hailey nodded, hiding a strand of her blond hair behind her ear, "'Kay, drive safe. Bye Sebby, see you in a bit," she showed a big smile, waving her hand at the screen.

Sebastian looked at his dad's phone, copying Hailey's smile and blowing a kiss to her. Sweet boy.

Jay closed the call and put the phone in the pocket of his jeans. He took Sebastian in his arms — he would've let him walk but they needed to get home fast —, then hooked the bags to his fingers, exiting the restaurant.

They got home pretty quickly, the stop at the gas station didn't take too much time, and there wasn't much traffic because he knew what routes to take at that time of the day — perks of being a cop.

When they entered the house, Jay and Sebastian were welcomed by the sweet smell of cake. Chocolate.

Hailey was secretly a pro at baking, she enjoyed the process because it relaxed her, plus the taste was always awesome.

Sebastian knew that too, because he ran into the kitchen and asked, "Can I have cake?", showing his mum his puppy eyes.

"Well, hi to you too, Sebby," he replied in a sarcastic tone. Hailey crouched down to his height and helped him take his coat off, placing a kiss on his forehead. "You'll have to wait for cake," she said.

She then shot a smile at Jay, when she saw him enter the kitchen and leave the food bags on the kitchen counter.

Sebastian sighed dramatically and nodded, "Okay," he shrugged. Hailey helped him wash his hands and when they were done, "Bye-bye", Sebastian hurried in his room to play with his toys.

Now that there were only the two of them, Hailey gave her attention to Jay, who had already started to take the food out of the bags it was in. "Sorry, you need anything?" she tried to imitate his voice but obviously failed, ending the sentence she'd heard him pronounce with a chuckle.

Jay shook his head with an amused smile, blushing a bit. "I swear to god, I don't know what that was…" he widened his eyes, looking at her smiley face. He was glad that Hailey and he could laugh about something like that: he knew Hailey was aware of the fact that she had nothing to worry about, the thought didn't really ever cross her mind since they got together — their level of trust and respect for each other was beyond that — but still.

"Maybe it's the beard," Hailey commented. Jay smirked at her, setting the three dishes she was giving him on the table. "It's not my fault it's here, though," he countered, implying that she was the one who always requested for him to keep his beard untrimmed.

"Yeah yeah, I was gonna give you a compliment, but I can sense your ego getting gigantic, so I'll gladly pass," Hailey rolled her blue eyes.

Jay scoffed, raising his brows, "Whatcha talking about, I'm like super humble!"

"Sure, Mr. Humble, let me see what you got us to eat!" she mocked him, rolling up the sleeves of the dark blue sweater she was wearing.

Hailey's smile got big when Jay set the pita gyros on the plates, as if she already could feel the taste in her mouth. It reminded her of the holiday she used to spend in Greece with her family when she was younger — one of the few happy memories related to her childhood.

Jay fetched Sebastian in his bedroom and their little family was ready to eat.

Sebastian was sitting in his chair, he shot a smile at his parents and a"Kalí oressi!" he said, trying to repeat what his mom had taught him. Hailey proudly smiled at him, "Woah Sebby, that was so close!" she praised him, although he needed a little more practice at the pronunciation of the second word. Still, not bad for a two-year-old whose first language was English.

Sebastian grinned at her and then started eating the pita that Jay had cut for him into small pieces. He saw his parents dip their pitas in the tzatziki sauce and did the same, but quickly made a weird face at the unusual taste, sticking his tongue out. "Yucky," he said to no one in particular.

Hailey and Jay shared a laugh and continued to eat their meal. Even the little one, who was a picky eater, enjoyed the food and didn't need too much convincing to finish his plate.

Once they were done, Jay put the dirty dishes in the sink, while Hailey was busy with getting the cake out of the oven. The smell of cocoa pervaded the room, making Sebastian excitedly squirm in his chair.

Hailey cut a piece for each of them and as soon as his plate was given to him, Sebastian started to devour its content.

"Easy, buddy. It's not going anywhere," Jay told him, ruffling his hair. The last thing they needed was for Sebastian to choke on his food.

He then turned to Hailey, "Hails, he needs a haircut, his hair is starting to get in his eyes."

Hailey was about to respond, but they heard the sound of the doorbell. The blonde quizzically looked at Jay, "Are you waiting for someone?"

"Nope," Jay said as he got up. He went to get the door and looked through the peephole, "Voight..?", he questioningly announced with his brows furrowed.

It wasn't a common thing to have him come over, Hank usually called either him or Hailey if he needed them or something from them. Jay's senses were telling him that something was up.

He opened the door, "Hank," he greeted the older man with a tight-lipped smile, which was returned by a simple nod, stepping aside to make him come in.

"Look who's there, Sebby," Hailey told her son, making him turn around towards the front door. Sebastian smiled a big smile — chocolate cake crumbs all over his mouth — he quickly got off his chair and ran towards Hank, "Pop-pop!" he exclaimed in an excited tone, showing his smiley face.

Sebastian was convinced that Hank was his grandfather and, to be completely honest, none of the three adults in the room minded the thing. Jay and Hank had known each other for a while by now and despite their differences, they had love and respect for each other. It was no secret that Hank considered Jay as a son.

Plus, Sebastian had filled the hole that had been left by Olive's departure — face-timing his grandson Daniel wasn't the same thing as watching him grow day by day.

Hank bent over to pick him up, "Hey, big guy!", he showed a genuine smile. Sebastian's pretty freckled face always lit his spirit.

Jay quickly fetched a napkin to clean Sebastian's mouth, so he wouldn't let the crumbs fall all over the place.

"Hey, boss," Hailey approached them, shooting an unsure smile at Hank.

"Hailey," he replied, still keeping his stoic expression. Had she not known him for a long time, Hailey would've thought that he had something against her. But no, that was just ole Henry Voight being himself.

They sat on the couch, Sebastian was snuggled against Hank and they were having their own conversation — although the little one was quietly still eyeing that cake on the kitchen table. About that… when Hailey offered her boss a piece of the cake, "Yeah, no. Thank you. I'm here for another reason," he declined. "Guys, I think it's better if you get Sebastian in his room," he added then, earning a confused look from both his detectives.

Jay was about to start bombarding him with questions, but Hailey looked at him in a way that was telling him to just not be difficult and do what he was told.

The detective took Sebastian to his room, after bribing him with a tiny piece of cake, telling him he had extra time to play with his cars. Luckily, the little one decided to be cooperative and didn't fuss.

When he got back in the living room, Jay felt like he could cut the tension with a knife. He went sitting next to Hailey and looked at her, trying to figure out what was going on, but the blonde slightly shook her head, implying that she had no idea what the deal was.

"So… what is going on?" Jay's tone was unsure, although he wanted to know.

Hank sighed heavily, as if he was trying to find the right words to say what he wanted to say.

"I… — he cleared his throat — I got a call just an hour ago. It's about Mouse," he declared, trying to study Jay's expression before continuing. "Jay, he was found dead a couple of hours ago, there was a note in which he wrote to call me," there was a pause but then, "I'm so sorry," he concluded.

Jay's features switched to even-more-confused. "Wha-what do you mean? Why would he leave a note telling to call you? — he tried to catch his breath — How?" he didn't know what questions to ask, they were all over the place in his head. So many questions that he felt like he was going crazy for a moment, he could hear his own voice repeating them all at the same time.

Hank didn't hesitate to respond, wanting to be as straight as possible in such a delicate moment for Jay. "We need confirmation, but Jay… apparently it wasn't accidental. There was no sign of physical altercation. He left a note for me, a letter for you and an empty box of pills was found next to his body…" and Jay didn't need further explanations, he knew exactly what Hank was going to say next.

He felt his body immediately tense, his expression blank. The voices he was hearing abruptly became quiet.

Jay closed his eyes for a couple of seconds, hoping that once he opened them he could realize that it was just an ugly nightmare. Unfortunately, once he opened his green eyes that had turned so hollow and lifeless, reflecting the void he was feeling in his chest, he still found himself being on the couch, with Hank and Hailey looking at him, ready to accommodate any kind of reaction he could have.

Jay could hear his heart thumping fast in his chest. It was the only thing, apart from those damn voices — they had come back — he could feel. Besides that, his whole body was pervaded by a sense of numbness. It was so numb he couldn't even tell when Hailey had placed her hand on his knee, looking at him with a concerned face.

Hailey's hands were trembling and a lump had filled her throat. She didn't know Mouse like Jay did, but she considered him as a family member. There was a reason why Jay had chosen him to be Sebastian's godfather — instead of, for example, his own brother.

Only they knew what they went through when they were overseas and then when they came back to Chicago, but Hailey was aware of the fact that they shared a special bond. Scratch that, it was beyond special.

Even though she didn't trust her voice to speak, "Jay," she quietly called for her fiancé — his lack of a reaction was starting to worry her.

"You said he left a letter for me," it wasn't a question. Jay didn't even acknowledge Hailey and was instead staring at Voight as if he couldn't see anything or anybody else in that room. He just wanted his letter. Now.

And Hank gave it to him, he didn't even blink. He opened his leather jacket and took the letter out of the inside pocket, leaving it on the coffee table.

Jay immediately felt the numbness leave his body, it wasn't a sense of relief, thought. He could still feel in his bones that something — hell, everything! — was wrong.

With the little bit of energy his body had allowed him to use, he got up from the couch and turned towards Voight: "I think-I think you should go," he looked at him straight in the eyes, although no specific message was sent by his green ones.

A sigh escaped from Hank's lips as he got up. He knew Jay wasn't kicking him out of the house — and even if he was, he couldn't really blame him — in fact he nodded and looked at Hailey, who got up as well not before quickly shooting a glimpse at Jay.

The blonde detective and her boss walked through the corridor towards the front door. They walked in silence: Hailey was still shocked by the news, while Hank knew by experience that there wasn't really much he could say to make things easier to process — when Al died the only thing that could somehow console him was alcohol.

But then again, when Hailey opened the door for him, he felt like saying something. "Do what you have to do, but don't let him spiral back to his old self. I know you know what I mean — they shared a meaningful look, there was no need for further details — You both can take as many days off as you need, of course. And you don't need me to tell you that I'm just one call away," he concluded, shooting a sad smile to Hailey and squeezing her shoulder. "Goodnight, kid," he turned around and he himself closed the door behind him, knowing that Hailey's head was completely somewhere else.

When she calmed down — kind of — Hailey went to the living room and was expecting to find Jay still sitting on the couch only to see him in the kitchen clearing the table and putting the dirty dishes in the dishwasher.

She studied his body and saw that he was moving robotically. Every action was mechanical, his mind was totally elsewhere.

"Jay," she called for him and this time she wasn't ignored. Jay turned towards her, his expression blank still, "You should put Sebastian to sleep, I'm cleaning here already," he said.

If his whole demeanor wasn't enough evidence, another proof of Jay's anguish was the fact that he told her to get their son to sleep. It usually was his task.

That being said, he turned around and busied himself.

Hailey let out a sigh, not knowing what to do next. Jay wasn't ready yet for any type of confrontation, so she decided to go to Sebastian's room.

"Hey, you," she put a fake smile on her face when she approached him.

Sebastian quickly looked at her and then focused back on his toys, making car noises with his mouth.

She caressed his hair noticing that, yes, Jay was right: the little Halstead needed a haircut.

After a while, the toddler glanced at his mother's pensive expression: "Okay?" he asked her, touching her blonde curls and smiling a bit, earning a soft chuckle from her. He was so smart.

Hailey eagerly nodded, "Yes, I am. Thank you for asking, — she kissed his forehead — how about I give you a bath, mh?"

Sebastian pouted at the suggestion but didn't really protest.

The two of them went to the bathroom and she gave him a quick bath, after that they both brushed their teeth. Hailey helped him wear his PJ's and then put him to sleep — luckily for that day, he had skipped his nap time at the daycare so he was pretty tired.

When she decided she was ready to face Jay, Hailey found him leaning on the kitchen counter, the infamous letter in his trembling hand. She quietly got closer to him and Jay blankly stared at her.

Hailey took charge of the situation: she guided him to the couch by taking his hand and he followed her with no questions asked.

Once they sat, "Talk to me," she muttered with uncertainty. The frustration of not knowing what to do or say added to the emptiness she felt at the tip of her stomach, and she almost lost it, only to try and come back to herself at the thought of how Jay was feeling.

His flat expression could be misleading, but she knew him. Hailey knew Jay was feeling lost and distraught, and the only thing she wanted was to take the pain away from him.

When Jay finally lifted his gaze to meet her blue eyes, it was like he snapped back to reality. His vision became watery, he felt like he needed to say something but didn't know what exactly.

Jay let out a shaky breath and vehemently shook his head, showing the letter to Hailey. The blonde quickly looked at it, just enough to read the first few words, "Dear Jay, if you're reading this it's too late", and then focused back on Jay — his face now tearstained.

"I- He…" he tried to talk, but no coherent words were able to escape from his mouth to try and make sense out of all of that. Because there was no sense in what had happened.

Hailey felt her heart drop, her chest suddenly both heavy and hollow at the same time. The times she'd seen Jay cry were very rare — most of them where only whenever he had nightmares — and every and each time was painful even for her.

The blonde quickly dried the few teardrops at the corner of her eyes and immediately went to hug him, allowing him to hide his face in the crook of her neck.

She heard him sob against her skin and it took all of her strength to not break down as well. She caressed the back of his neck, "I'm so sorry, babe," was all she was able to tell him.

Hailey felt his body stiffen, his breathing quicken instead. The two clues she got familiar with, indicating that he was starting to hyperventilate. She slightly pulled away so they could be face-to-face, his eyes closed and his face red, tears still streaming down: "Jay, look at me," Jay obeyed but was still struggling to steady his breathing.

"Hey — she caressed the neck of his head — in from your nose. One, two, three, four," Jay tried to focus and inhaled. Hailey nodded and that's when he knew he could exhale.

She was no expert on how to deal with panic attacks, but Will gave her a tip of two on the basis.

"I'm here with you, okay?" she softly spoke in an attempt to reassure him as they continued the breathing exercise.

Jay was feeling light-headed but the uncomfortable sensation was slowly subsiding. "Lay down for me, will ya?" Hailey asked but didn't really wait for an answer, making him lay down so his head was now resting on her lap, her hand still lightly scratching his neck area, a thing she knew would soothe him a bit.

Although he was starting to calm down breathing wise, Jay was still crying, casually sniffling every now and then. The room got quiet as his sobs stopped and it was like everything truly hit him in that very moment. His best friend was gone.

"He left me alone," he managed to say, his voice gruffy and broken. "I'm alone now, Hails," he repeated.

Hailey heard what he said and felt her heart break once again. She knew the weight those words carried.

Jay and Mouse were the only two who'd managed to survive the humvee's explosion back in Afghanistan. Although traumatized from that experience, they were the only ones lucky enough to come home.

But now Jay felt alone — he was alone in this.

The blonde tried everything in her power, but failed at stopping the tears she was holding from falling. The thought of the pain Jay was experiencing shattered her.

She bit her lips in an attempt to suppress the sob that was begging to be released and tried to recompose herself. Caressing his hair, she finally found the strength to speak: "We'll get through this, you hear me? — she took a deep breath — We. Because you're not alone. Even if you don't believe so. You're not," she muttered sternly, trying to sound as convincing as possible.

Jay slowly nodded and let out a heavy sigh. He took her hand and pulled it closer to his mouth pressing his wet lips on it, silently thanking her for being there.

He looked up at her, their watery eyes locking: he reached for her face with his hand and wiped her tears with his thumb.

Hailey smiled at the sweet gesture, he always tried and made sure she was okay even when he was the one who needed to be comforted.

"You wanna go to bed?" she asked and Jay pensively shook his head no.

"Okay, can I get a blanket? I'll be quick.."

"Yeah," Jay responded, his voice hoarse.

Hailey went to their bedroom and opened their closet, looking for a comforter. She chose the one Kim got her as a gift when Sebastian was born and then went back to the living room.

She found Jay on the couch — lied still — now looking at the ceiling, his arms crossed on his chest. Hailey joined him and then covered them both with the blanket, thankfully the couch was large enough so both of them could enjoy its comfortable surface.

Jay, who was being the big spoon, held Hailey against his chest. He buried his head in the crook of the neck, the familiar scent of her blonde hair calmed his senses.

They stayed in complete silence, it wasn't uncomfortable though. Maybe their thoughts were so loud in their head that they felt like it was pointless to talk.

Jay knew in the back of his mind that he wasn't going to get any sleep, but didn't feel like changing position. He watched Hailey as she fell asleep, she held his arm around her waist in a strong grip.

He quickly thought about the last couple of hours and sighed heavily, new tears forming at the corner of his eyes and threatening to fall down. He glanced at Hailey and his whole body was pervaded by a sense of gratitude for having her in his life — especially in that moment. Jay didn't know how he would've reacted if he'd received the news without having her beside him.

Maybe, he thought, he wasn't alone after all.

**Author's Note:**

> aye! this is was prompted by a bad news that I received as well, so yeah I needed to write some angsty stuff to process everything bc apparently smoking a shit ton of cigarettes isn't the healthiest way to deal with loss lol
> 
> the title was inspired by my favorite Drake album, "If you're reading this it's too late", I thought it could be a great way to start THAT type of letter...
> 
> I love Moustead but I love whumpee!Jay even more so yeah… I killed poor Mouse. I hope you can forgive me.
> 
> enough with the sadness… are you ready for season 8? no bc my ass is literally shaking, every time I see a picture of the cast I can feel the serotonin pervade my body LMFAO
> 
> anyways, let me know what you think of this os, I'm always happy to read what you have to say.
> 
> PS: feel free to notify me (nicely, please) if there's any grammar/spelling errors, English is not my first language (though I like to think I'm fluent) so yeah I'm trying.
> 
> bye bye, I love you all, stay happy and don't go out without a mask or I'll bite you in the ass. or miss 'rona will.


End file.
